Hello, again, Stranger.

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Why, hello.  It’s been a while since I’ve been around these neck of the woods.

In fact, it’s been so long that I actually forgot my username and password. #facepalm

It has been 5 months since you’ve last heard from me.  School is out.  I survived — granted the last few weeks had lots of drama, tension, and tears — but I survived.  Now I am on 2 1/2 months of vacation and I don’t know what the heck to do with myself.  I’ve been working so hard, non-stop, that I am literally having trouble sleeping at night.  My body is exhausted, but my mind is still racing with all these ideas and thoughts about work/school, that I can’t get it to stop.  I spent 90% of the night tossing and turning and getting frustrated that sleep is eluding me.  Even Melatonin isn’t working for me.  #fml  I know working out is supposed to be helpful.  But come on.  You know that ain’t happening.

Besides getting a break from work, not much else has changed.  Except for the fact that 2 weeks ago, I turned 31.  That’s right.  I’m now living IN the 30s.  My biggest epiphany with this new age is that I literally don’t care anymore.  That seems to be the underlying theme when something comes up.  “I don’t care”.  I’m tired of caring about things that I don’t need to care about anymore.  I think that makes me even more crotchety than I already am, but it’s just where I’m at mentally.  Looking back over the last, maybe, 19 years of my life, I’ve always cared too much — about what people think, about what people will say, about what other people want me to do, be, look like, feel like, think like.   I’ve spent too much and given too much value to people’s opinions about and for me.  It’s because I listened to all the noise, that I feel like I’m in this place now, where I’m 31 and just now finding my own.  So, I don’t care anymore.  You don’t like what I’m wearing?  I don’t care.  You think I’m too fat?  I don’t care.  You think I’m too bossy?  Too old?  Too rude?  Too mean?  Too snarky?  I….don’t….care.

So…..there’s that.

I truly wish I had done a better job of blogging as things happened.  There was the “girls night out” that I should have avoided with my coworkers, where I was the designated driver as my coworkers got piss drunk.  There was the family wedding (who, if you’re a faithful reader, I did not attend the engagement of this family member) that we attended that was not as awkward and painful as I thought it would be, although it did make me sad.   There’s the fact that I deleted ALL my coworkers on Facebook.  After that hot mess of a night with the other coworkers, I quickly realized that coworkers were not meant to be friends.  They were meant to be coworkers.  I didn’t want them to know about my personal life, or lack thereof, and I really didn’t care about theirs.   I like being an enigma, sort of speak.  The less they know, the better.

So now I am left with 110 friends — all family and close friends (or people who I want to know about).  My Facebook is officially the most boring account on the planet because I get updates from said friends and family or celebrities.  It’s quite nice.  I deleted EVERYONE under the sun.  I’m sure it’s offended tons of people, but I really don’t care.  None of them were my friends in real life and if they’re upset about being deleted then I’m sad for them.  Because, what do they get from being friends with me?  It’s not like they were emotionally invested in me and my well-being.  It’s a numbers thing.

Meanwhile, summer plans consist of nothing.  Although, I do have plans to travel to Denver for a weekend, which will be nice.  My sister will be gone for 5 weeks to DC for something work-related, which I’m jealous of, but we have both agreed that it’s needed for both of our sanities.  Otherwise we’ll kill each other by August.

6 months in to 2014 and I’m still wondering and waiting for something to happen.  I’ve been told multiple times that it won’t “fall into my lap”, which I understand.  But if someone can just tell me what step I need to take next to MAKE the next thing happen, I’ll take it.  I think God and I are still on the outs, so as soon as I figure out how to fix that, I’ll get back to ya.

I hope you’ll stick around for the next couple months.  I’ll try to keep you entertained with all my wise words of wisdom.

It’s summertime, what else is a girl supposed to do?

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Pin in Moderation.

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I am addicted to Pinterest.  Typically, when I’m working, I don’t spend anytime pinterest_badge_redpinning anything on Pinterest.  I find that if I am pinning a lot, it’s usually when I am not working (summer, long breaks).  And I binge pin.  I will spend hours, quite literally, pinning away my hopes and dreams.  Even into the wee hours of the night, I am laying in bed, pinning, pinning, pinning.

This week-long break for Thanksgiving has been no different.  I try to use the excuse in the summer that I am pinning things for school (which I am).  But after school has started, I start pinning things that I might need therapy for.

For example, currently I have 431 pins for “My Dream Wedding”.   Yes, that’s right.  I am single and have no potential mate in my life right now, but I have 431 pins detailing every part of my wedding — down to the poses of pictures I would want to take.

I also have 286 pins for what I want my dream home to look like.   I’d have to find someone on “SeekingMillionaire.com” to actually make any of those pins come to fruition, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

The problem with Pinterest is that, when I use it for school, I can make those things happen.  I can make the crafts, do the lessons, etc.  But when I start pinning things about my wedding day or my dream home, I start to get really, really depressed.  Because for those countless hours I spend pinning my life away, I start realizing how much my life lacks.  I’m looking at all the things I WISH I had, instead of being grateful for what I already have!

I could delete Pinterest and be done with it all.  But, I really find it useful for school. I could delete my 431 pins for my dream wedding, but I like that I still have this part of me that dreams of my wedding day.  I’ve been so jaded by love and marriage, that it makes me feel good that there’s still an innocent, hopeless romantic in me that wants to fall in love. I think what I, and all pinners, need to remember is that Pinterest shouldn’t make you feel worse about yourself.  I have everything I am supposed to have right now and for that I am grateful.

#bossmanBing

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I am not going to lie to you.  I like being in charge.   It’s not because I want the limelight or the glory.  It’s really because of my control issues.   I know it’ll work out the way I want if I’m in control.   It’s not because I want to manage other people or control the way they do things — it’s just that I need them to do it the way that’ll work for my OCD tendencies.  Do you know what I mean?   I don’t like being bossy (and I hope I’m not).  I like that people come to me for help, because it makes me feel needed and validates this need in me to know that I what I can say/do is of some value.   I like all that.

But what I hate is feeling like a wet blanket.   Like Chandler feels in this clip of Friends.  I don’t like being seen as “Boss man Bing” — being seen as “uncool” or “unlikable” because I’m the leader.   That’s how I feel right now.   Sure, people like me.   They laugh at my jokes once in a while, but I’m not sure people see me as much more than just “team leader” who makes all the decisions, makes all the schedules, organizes everything, and tells everyone what to do.

I didn’t realize that being a team leader meant I’d end up being that person. You know, the one you don’t invite to go out to eat with the rest of your coworkers because you want to talk about them.   Or invite them to fun outings, because they’ll be the Debbie Downer of the group.   The worst part is that I’m NOT Debbie Downer!!  I’m a ball of fun!  I’m hilarious and I love to let my hair down.  I sing really obnoxiously loud and imitate people inappropriately.  I’m not serious 24-7.  Guys, my 1st language is sarcasm!  I’m freakin fun!

…….It’s just that no one wants to give me a chance to see that side of me.

Nowadays, if my phone is being blown up by texts it’s about work and helping them with something or answering questions.   And deep down inside I want it to be texts from people who want to just hang out with me.  “S, are you busy tonight?  Let’s go watch a movie!” not “Hey, what Math lesson are you teaching this week?”  or “How do I login to our website?”

The truth is, it’s not that I want THESE people to be texting me.  I’m okay with keeping my coworkers, just that.  I don’t see myself being friends longterm with any of them.  They’re all younger than me, married  with/without children, or engaged.   I can’t relate to them and they can’t relate to me.

So what’s my point for all this whining?

Ugh.  I am just lonely.  I want some friends my age.   And unfortunately, my career doesn’t allow me any time to go out and meet people.  The one day off I have is spent grading/lesson planning/or laying in bed trying to recuperate from the week I’ve had. There’s no desire in me to go out and about.

I’m in a huge rut socially and I don’t know how to fix it. Any suggestions?

Facebook Cleanse.

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I’ve always harped on how much I hate Facebook, yet somehow, I always get sucked into it.  I hate it for multiple reasons and I gripe about it all the time.  I hate the emo teenagers who post statuses about how much their life sucks because the store ran out of Orange Juice.   I hate the adults who use their statuses to gripe about people who have done them wrong.  I hate the newlyweds who are “so in love with their hot spouse” and are 5 seconds close to detailing their intimate secrets of the boudoir.  I hate those people who travel all over the world and do amazing things, because they make me hate myself and my life even more.  Or people who post some political BS that clearly sounds insane (but to the crazies, it’s not, I guess).  I hate everything about it.

So, a few weeks ago, I decided I was going to make Facebook what I wanted it to be; what it was SUPPOSED to be.  A social networking site.   At my highest, I was at approximately 450 friends.  Today, I am at 159.   Yes, that’s right, I deleted close to 300 “friends”.  Why, you may ask?

Because the truth of the matter is, they weren’t my friends.  These aren’t people who I want to keep in touch with.  These aren’t people who I want to know about.   I hate that Facebook forced me to invest in people, whether they knew it or not, and what do I get in return?  Self-loathing.  And the other thing is, that none of those 300 people will even notice that I don’t exist.   (Blogger Note: To make sure they didn’t see I deleted them, I also blocked most of the 300, there were some that I wanted to make sure they knew I deleted them).  

Can I tell you how much better I feel?

I feel like a whole ton has been lifted off my shoulders.  I don’t have a care in the world.   The people I’m friends with are all fellow educators, so my statuses are all about school or being tired, and I don’t feel like I’m trying to keep up with the Joneses.   I also kept a few relatives, although some of them are on the verge of also getting cut out.  And, of course, I’ve kept friends that I actually like and want to be associated with.

No fuss. No drama.

Facebook has actually become BORING.

And I LOVE it.

I highly recommend all of you do some “spring cleaning”.  Why keep people in your life that don’t add to your existence?  Who don’t increase your worth as a person?  Who aren’t invested in you half as much as you are in them?   Why keep people who you don’t share the same ambitions as you?

For YEARS, I was so worried that people would label me a bitch, a diva, or selfish — so I always tried to appease everyone.  Even then, I was labeled a bitch, a diva, and selfish.  Well, screw that!  I have every right to be a bitch, a diva, and selfish.  Because after YEARS of bending over backwards for people, for nothing, I have a right to choose who I want to keep around me and who I want to be rid of.

Peace out, all 300 of you.  I never knew ye.  And now you’ll never know me.

In the News

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This week has been busy with news and every one of them teaches a lesson for all of us.

PaulaDeen2012 Celebrity chef, cooking show host, restaurateur, and author, Paula Deen, has found herself right in the middle of some big time controversy for racial slurs that she admitted to using decades ago.  I won’t rehash what’s happening (that’s what we have Google for).  I think the most obvious lesson to take from this is that no matter how much you change your life, no matter what you try to fix and make better, your past will always haunt you.  It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how famous you are — it will always come back.   Whatever you have sown, you will reap.  It will all catch up to you.  I’m not saying don’t have a past — EVERYONE has a past.  EVERYONE has skeletons.  What I’ve learned from Deen is that nothing I do will cover it up.  It will always find a way to come out.   The other thing I learned from this situation is that people will never forget your past.  Never.   There are always going to be people who will say “I remember when you were like this, you did this, or you said this…”  There will always be people who will lord it over you because reminding you of your past mistakes makes them feel better.   When you’re successful or doing good things, someone has to be the party pooper.   Be prepared for that.  Don’t expect everyone to be in your corner.  Because 9 times out of 10, there is someone sitting there writing down all the things you used to be/do/say and ready to pull that list out when it suits them the most.

A 23-year old rising star on the New England Patriots has also found himself in hot water.  This, though, url-213could cost him his freedom.   Aaron Hernandez was arrested and charged with murder on Wednesday.  I don’t know what’s more sad: the fact that a guy is dead, the fact that a GUN has killed someone AGAIN, or the fact that this kid who was just offered $40 MILLION dollars felt so invincible that killing someone was so EASY to do.  I can get on my “gun” soapbox, but where will that bring any of us?  People will never get it.  It’s so easy to say that guns are safe, but when someone in THEIR family dies from a gun, they’ll never get it.   I’m sad that this guy who was shot, whatever his part in this was, has died.  He wasn’t “just” a guy — he was somebody’s son, brother, father, friend.  I’m disgusted that this kid, Hernandez, has an 8-month old baby who will grow up to know that her father killed someone all because he was “mad”.  She’ll grow up without a father figure in her life. This story just reminds us all the repercussions that ONE choice — ONE LITTLE CHOICE— can have on everyone around you.

p8-4A historic decision was made by the Supreme Court this week.  The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the law that barred the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages, was found to be unconstitutional. I will warn you now:  I am THRILLED about this decision.  I am a Christian who loves God and has dreams of serving Him for the rest of my days.  I also have friends that are gay and love them unconditionally.  I also believe that they should have the same rights as every other person in this world.   People are so afraid of anything that is DIFFERENT.  If it doesn’t look, sound, or feel like everything else around them, then they don’t want anything to do with it.   I will never understand why people believe that being gay was a choice.  When I hear of the pain and struggles, emotionally/mentally/spiritually, that my friends go through dealing with being gay, I can’t imagine someone CHOOSING this.   Lord knows if I had a CHOICE, being East Indian wouldn’t be my first choice. But, no matter, congratulations to all my friends who can now have the same rights as the straightees.  Maybe you’ll be better at marriage than the rest of us!

Alec Baldwin made headlines this week.  He and his wife attended the funeral of Sopranos’ star James alec-baldwin-600Gandolfini (RIP).  Allegedly, while in attendance, his wife’s twitter was being updated throughout the funeral.  A writer from Mail Online wrote an article about it and then Alec lost his shizznat.   He went on this huge twitter rampage where he called the guy a “queen” and went on to threaten this guy.   Listen, I am an Alec Baldwin fan.  His comedic timing is incredible and the fact that he rarely breaks character is pretty impressive. He’s spot on.  But the dude needs to CHILLAX.  He is SO busy trying to fight EVERY PAPARAZZI and EVERY GOSSIP COLUMNIST it’s just exhausting — and I’m just READING about it.   Dude, you can’t win. You’re just giving them more ammo.  Now, not only have you given them more reason to write about you, you’ve offended the gays.  They were having a good week, too!  I get that you want to defend your wife’s integrity.   Why wouldn’t you just be mature and come out with a statement explaining WHY her Twitter was being updated?  Wouldn’t that be more logical?    Alec, bud, take it from someone who has learned the hard way — don’t lose your cool over people and things that aren’t worth your time.  You’re married. You’re about to have a baby.  You just buried a friend.   Focus on what you have.  Not what people are saying about you.  Welcome to the world of celebrity.  You’d think you’d have learned that when you were with what’s-her-name (Kim Basinger).

That’s all for this week, folks!

Here’s hoping next week is full of more life lessons 🙂

The Big M.

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I’ve always wanted to get married.  If I pull out journals from the past, all you will read about is how desperate I was to find “the one” (even at the tender age of 16).  To me, getting married was the high point of a person’s life.  And, to delve even deeper than that, finding my “soulmate” would have convinced me that SOMEONE out there loves me, not just my mom.

But the older I’ve become,  the more I’ve learned what marriage really is about.  In actuality, I wanted the wedding MW3_My_Parents_Divorce_and_Video_Games1all those years. As I got older, I realized marriage was more than just the 3-4 hours on a Saturday you spend in a white dress with a bunch of people.   It’s way more.  More than I think I am ready for.

I don’t know anything, really, about marriage.  So, doling out any advice about it would probably be really pointless. I know that marriage is about compromise.  I know that it’s 2 very different people living together, putting up with each other’s idiosyncrasies and annoying habits, and learning about who that other person REALLY is.  Cause the truth of the matter is, EVERYONE looks cute and perfect when you’re dating.  Heck, they still look like that 6 months after marriage.   That’s a huge problem I have with those people who get married and post pictures and stupid statuses about their “amazing husband” who pumped gas in the car because it was going to snow the next day or their “sexy, beautiful wife” who cooked Shake & Bake for dinner after working 8 hours.   I’m sorry, but is it wrong to think that’s what they’re SUPPOSED to do?  Aren’t spouses SUPPOSED to take care of each other?   I’m not saying wives are SUPPOSED to cook or husbands are SUPPOSED to be the mechanics…. but those things that these annoying people are posting are things that make marriage sound so idyllic.  Why don’t you see those statuses like, “Man, I love my husband, but if I walk in the bathroom and see his underwear hanging on the doorknob one more time, I swear to God…..” or “I love my wife, but she sucks at cooking” (this would probably be what my husband says).   I want to tell these obnoxious people, can you talk to me in 10-15 years after you’ve LIVED life? After you’ve had kids with health issues?  After you’ve got into some sort of financial crisis?  After one or both have lost your job or have some health crisis?   Or how about when your kids have grown and moved out, and your left with this stranger that just years ago you were gushing over about how well they put gas in your car? Please don’t tell me how amazing your significant other is a week/month/year after the honeymoon is over.  Call me in 15 years. (PS: Is it just me or does the honeymoon stage seem to last a lot longer than 6 months nowadays?!).

But I digress.

What I do know about marriage, and I believe this more today than ever before, is that I want my husband to be my friend.  I want to be able to look at him and say that I genuinely like him.  That if we were two strangers thrown into a room, I would like his company.  I never want to say that he and I aren’t friends and we don’t like each other.  To think that those are words that I could possibly say to my husband scares me.   This is why watching these young 20-year-olds getting married lately gets me so riled up.   I am 30 years old and feel so cautious and anxious about getting married.  How is it so easy for these kids!?  What do they know that I missed?  Was there a class I was supposed to take as an undergrad? How is it that suddenly they’re ready to MARRY this person?

I blame Facebook and Pinterest for this.  Weddings LOOK perfect.   Marriages SOUND ideal.  Of course hanging out with other young married couples for game nights SOUND fantastic.  Congratulations, you’re in the married club!   But, have you and your spouse had the conversation about what kind of parent that person will be?   What kind of plan do we want for the first 5 years?  What’s our goal as a couple?  As individuals?  As a family?   What will happen if we’re strapped financially?  What are our weakness in communicating with each other?   What are our strengths?   What if one of us gain so much weight that we’re not attracted to them?   Can we have honest conversations?  What if we’re unhappy?  What if one day we look at each other and realize we don’t like each other?   Are we willing to get help or are we going to throw in the towel?  Is THIS the person you’re willing to fight tooth and nail to keep at your side for the rest of your life?  That even when THEY want to give up, you won’t??  What if you lose a baby in miscarriage?   What if you have a child with special needs or health problems that require your full attention, that your marriage suffers?   What if the skeletons in your closet, that you so effortlessly pushed into the closet, come back to haunt you?   What then? I wish these were questions and conversations that these people have had.  Perhaps, they have.  Maybe I’m being too judgmental.  Just because I’m not ready doesn’t mean they aren’t.   So I shouldn’t compare myself to them.

All I can speak for is myself.  All I know is, once I make that commitment and covenant in front of God, there’s no turning back and that’s a vow I may not be ready to make just yet.

May God be with all those who have made it, are about to, or are in a place where you’re thinking about asking.

Better you than me.