Pinned and Deleted.

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So remember when I told you I had those pins about my Dream Wedding?

I took a bold step and deleted it just now.

I did keep my dream home, because come on now, it’s a house.

But my wedding?  Gone.

I don’t know what came over me.  Well, actually, I do know what came over me.  I realized that I have forgotten what my real dream is.

You know, when I was younger, and naive, I had such big dreams and aspirations.  When I would tell people about it, they’d just look at me with that head-tilt and a look of, “Oh, you poor girl.  What’s wrong with you?”.    Singing was everything to me.  I wanted to sing and lead worship — and not just in a church every Sunday.  I wanted to travel and lead worship in different places for different people.   When I got the chance to do it in Mexico, not knowing much Spanish (and only 4 Spanish songs), it was the most incredible experience.  I wanted that all the time.

But as I got older, especially closer to 30, and the opportunities to sing publicly have diminished greatly, and people my age that I’ve grown up (and younger) started to get married and have children, I started to get worried.  Like I was missing something.  I got so distracted by that, that I forgot my own dreams.  I realized today that when I keep harping about “wanting more”, I wasn’t talking about those dreams of singing and leading worship.  It was dreams of getting married, having a family, and living a Norman Rockwell-esque life.  Because clearly, singing wasn’t happening so I had to focus on the next thing.

But the truth is, that’s not my real dream or passion.  Of course that’s what I would love to happen eventually.  There’s no such thing as not having BOTH of those things.  But the question I have to ask myself is which do I want MORE?   What is that I want most of all? What is it that burns in my bones?

And it’s been singing.  Music.  Leading worship.  Writing songs.  Things that I used to loved to do, that I’ve forgotten how to do.  I get mad that people have forgotten me, because they don’t ask me to sing anymore.   But the thing is, I should be mad at myself.  Because I have forgotten how to sing and lead worship.  I’ve settled for singing in the shower because I convinced myself that’s all I would ever do.

So I need to recalibrate.  Refocus.  If singing and leading worship is my first priority, then I need to figure out how to get back on that.  How do I take my talent and put it to good use — outside of my shower.

And don’t get me wrong.  I’ll still dream and hope for love, marriage, family, and that dream home.   But, now I have to just remind myself that all that will come if it’s in God’s plan for me.  Until then, I need to focus on what I really want.

My Heart Will Trust

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This was recorded almost 7 years ago.  I recorded my sister and I singing this song and posted it on youtube.  Then, our friend, Donny, whilst in South Carolina listened to it and recorded himself singing high harmony to our video.   And this is the result.   I’m melody, sister is low harmony, Donny is high harmony.  Hope you enjoy.

Fear Factor

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I love to sing.  For as long as I could remember, I’ve sung.  I was raised in church, so I sang at youth meetings all the time.  I did the cliché thing in my room and sang in the hairspray bottle, in front of my mirror, while wearing a skirt on my head (because I had a short bob, I needed long hair to flip around and tuck behind my ears).  (Sidenote: These skirts ranged from a maroon one to a blue rainbow-colored one.  I have black hair, by the by.  That’s not awkward).

Although I sang growing up in church, it wasn’t until the late 90s, when I sang for my first city-wide talent show, that I started to realize that I might be kind of good.  You know, up until then, you can sound like cats dying and your parents will tell you you’re good.  But now, the public was about to hear me…and until they hear you and respond, then it’s not official, right?  I continued to sing on worship teams and as I got older I was given great opportunities to lead worship for youth rallies held once a month in the city.   That’s when I realized that my heart was drawn to leading worship.  I didn’t want to be a solo artist and sell mainstream music.  I just wanted to lead worship.   I sang at weddings, but nothing brought more joy than worship.

In 2004, I had an even more amazing opportunity to lead worship in Mexico on a mission trip. We thought we could sing English songs and throw in some Spanish ones here and there just for kicks.  When we arrived,we realized that it wouldn’t work.  So for 7 days we sang the same 4-5 English-to-Spanish songs over and over again. It was the most amazing, thrilling time of my life.  I still remember the adrenaline I felt on stage and seeing those people worship and coming to the realization that I could do this for the REST of my life.

We came back and I fell into a horrible funk.  My sister and I left our parent’s church to attend an independent church that was still growing.  I couldn’t find my place there and after 3 years, we left.  We went to a more established church that was on its way to becoming a mega church.   I remember our first day there, hearing the worship leader sing, and think there is NO way I would try out.  She was amazing.  I was NOT that good.   It didn’t help that the last time I had sung was 2004 — 5 years.  I felt rusty and lost most of my confidence, if not all.   After attending the church for 1 year, I finally mustered up the courage to try out.   I sang 2 songs in front of 3 people, one being the aforementioned worship leader.   I made the team.

For almost 2 years I had the privilege of being under the tutelage of a great worship team.  I finally learned how to listen for and sing harmony, something I never thought I would do.  But I was getting more frustrated because that’s all I was doing.   On top of my frustration with not being able to have an outlet to lead on my own, my life at work was crumbling, too.   So I took a hiatus from the worship team to focus on work.   After I resigned my position at work, I entertained the idea of going back on the team.   I’m not scared to admit that I may have made a bad choice, but I decided to make the hiatus permanent.  I didn’t feel that I fit the image or the sound they needed or wanted for the team and wasn’t going in the same direction as they were.  That’s okay, too.

So here I am.  I haven’t sang in almost 8 years.  I watch others willingly and confidently post videos of themselves singing and I wonder how or where they get that confidence from?  Aren’t they worried about what people will comment?  Aren’t they worried that no one will like their songs?   But, somehow, they aren’t.  And it irritated me!  Wow, they’re a little OVER-confident and they’re just trying to Justin Bieber their way around.   How shameless.

The truth of the matter is they are doing what I WISH I had the balls to do.  I wish I had the balls to share myself singing.  I wish I wasn’t so self-critical of myself.  That every time that I record myself and hear it back, I automatically think, “I’m so nasal. I sound horrible.  Why do I sound like I have a stuffy nose?!?  No one is going to listen to this. WTF am I thinking?!” and quickly delete it.

I’m tired of living in fear.  Fear of what I think and fear of what others think.  If I’m not good, then I’ll forever be sitting in my kitchen recording myself singing and posting it for some poor schmuck to be nice and say “Aww, that was good!” or never to hear any comments at all.  I’ll take constructive criticism.  I’ll ignore the rude ones.

If I am good, then I’ll sit in my kitchen recording myself singing and posting it for some schmuck to be nice and say “Aww, that was good!” or never to hear any comments at all……..until God says otherwise.

So……here it goes.

I recorded this song an hour ago. It was the song I tried out for the worship team with.  It’s a song I heard from Kirk Franklin’s Nu Nation 1 Nation Crew album called “In His Grace”.