Hello, again, Stranger.

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Why, hello.  It’s been a while since I’ve been around these neck of the woods.

In fact, it’s been so long that I actually forgot my username and password. #facepalm

It has been 5 months since you’ve last heard from me.  School is out.  I survived — granted the last few weeks had lots of drama, tension, and tears — but I survived.  Now I am on 2 1/2 months of vacation and I don’t know what the heck to do with myself.  I’ve been working so hard, non-stop, that I am literally having trouble sleeping at night.  My body is exhausted, but my mind is still racing with all these ideas and thoughts about work/school, that I can’t get it to stop.  I spent 90% of the night tossing and turning and getting frustrated that sleep is eluding me.  Even Melatonin isn’t working for me.  #fml  I know working out is supposed to be helpful.  But come on.  You know that ain’t happening.

Besides getting a break from work, not much else has changed.  Except for the fact that 2 weeks ago, I turned 31.  That’s right.  I’m now living IN the 30s.  My biggest epiphany with this new age is that I literally don’t care anymore.  That seems to be the underlying theme when something comes up.  “I don’t care”.  I’m tired of caring about things that I don’t need to care about anymore.  I think that makes me even more crotchety than I already am, but it’s just where I’m at mentally.  Looking back over the last, maybe, 19 years of my life, I’ve always cared too much — about what people think, about what people will say, about what other people want me to do, be, look like, feel like, think like.   I’ve spent too much and given too much value to people’s opinions about and for me.  It’s because I listened to all the noise, that I feel like I’m in this place now, where I’m 31 and just now finding my own.  So, I don’t care anymore.  You don’t like what I’m wearing?  I don’t care.  You think I’m too fat?  I don’t care.  You think I’m too bossy?  Too old?  Too rude?  Too mean?  Too snarky?  I….don’t….care.

So…..there’s that.

I truly wish I had done a better job of blogging as things happened.  There was the “girls night out” that I should have avoided with my coworkers, where I was the designated driver as my coworkers got piss drunk.  There was the family wedding (who, if you’re a faithful reader, I did not attend the engagement of this family member) that we attended that was not as awkward and painful as I thought it would be, although it did make me sad.   There’s the fact that I deleted ALL my coworkers on Facebook.  After that hot mess of a night with the other coworkers, I quickly realized that coworkers were not meant to be friends.  They were meant to be coworkers.  I didn’t want them to know about my personal life, or lack thereof, and I really didn’t care about theirs.   I like being an enigma, sort of speak.  The less they know, the better.

So now I am left with 110 friends — all family and close friends (or people who I want to know about).  My Facebook is officially the most boring account on the planet because I get updates from said friends and family or celebrities.  It’s quite nice.  I deleted EVERYONE under the sun.  I’m sure it’s offended tons of people, but I really don’t care.  None of them were my friends in real life and if they’re upset about being deleted then I’m sad for them.  Because, what do they get from being friends with me?  It’s not like they were emotionally invested in me and my well-being.  It’s a numbers thing.

Meanwhile, summer plans consist of nothing.  Although, I do have plans to travel to Denver for a weekend, which will be nice.  My sister will be gone for 5 weeks to DC for something work-related, which I’m jealous of, but we have both agreed that it’s needed for both of our sanities.  Otherwise we’ll kill each other by August.

6 months in to 2014 and I’m still wondering and waiting for something to happen.  I’ve been told multiple times that it won’t “fall into my lap”, which I understand.  But if someone can just tell me what step I need to take next to MAKE the next thing happen, I’ll take it.  I think God and I are still on the outs, so as soon as I figure out how to fix that, I’ll get back to ya.

I hope you’ll stick around for the next couple months.  I’ll try to keep you entertained with all my wise words of wisdom.

It’s summertime, what else is a girl supposed to do?

The Waiting Place.

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I’ve gone 4 days without updating this year. That’s not a good sign, is it?

I wish I could say I’ve spent the first 4 days of the new year doing something amazing.  But, all I did was stay at home and do nothing.  I did spend a productive morning watching the new Hunger Games movie…..if that counts for world-changing?

I also spent the first couple days  of 2014 (and NYE) complaining about my life and how miserable I felt.  And then, at 3am on Thursday night, I just got SICK of feeling so MISERABLE.  The whole last year was spent complaining and filling myself with resent, anger, and hate (self + others) that I’ve turned into the worst person ever.  It’s even evident in my blog posts.  I just can’t spend another 365 days drowning in that anymore.

So, I just picked up my Kindle and found a book from some unknown author, Cherie Hill, titled “Waiting on God”. I started reading it like I was starving and couldn’t put it down!  It was speaking to me in so many ways about being in this frustrating “waiting place” (see: Dr. Seuss’ “Oh the Places You’ll Go” for reference) and why I’m here and what I should do while I’m here.  

Where was this book a year ago, right?

I’m not saying that I’ve stopped complaining and I’m the happiest person ever — but I am determined to change my mindset.  Because even though I can’t change my situation or circumstances (or my surroundings, for that matter), I can change how I look at it.   I can either see it from the perspective of my window from the waiting place or I can look up and trust that God sees everything else outside of this waiting place…….and trust that when He’s ready to open the door and let me out, He will.

Here’s hoping that in 361 days, if I’m still in the waiting place, that I’m still as hopeful as I am today.

MMXIII

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8 hours away from 2014.

I am less hopeful and less optimistic than I have ever been before.  I used to look forward to the new year so much.  I would write pages worth of inspirational, spiritual, deep thoughts in my journal about what I hoped for the new year and reflect on the last year.  This year, not so much.  I am as pessimistic as they come.  Any hopes of something better coming does not exist in my mind.

This is not to say that God hasn’t blessed me this year, because He has.  I wouldn’t be sitting in my living room, on my comfortable couch, writing this to you if He hadn’t.  He has blessed me above and beyond what I could ever ask or deserve.  This is true for EVERY year, not just this.

But, this year has been a disappointing one, to say the least.  I’ve had lots changes, difficult ones, when it comes to friendships.  I’ve had to let go of a lot of people and it wasn’t an easy decision, but a necessary one.  And, although years from now, I may wonder if I made the right decision, I can say with full confidence that, right now, I am happy that I let go. I’m sad to say goodbye, but ready to fill my life with people who want to be a part of mine.

My job, as rewarding as it is, has been challenging to say the least. I’ve been pushed to take on more than I ever thought I could and I still find myself second guessing my abilities to do it.  But, clearly, God knows more than I do about what I can and cannot handle.

My passion to sing and lead worship has wasted away, which if anything, devastates me the most.  I fear that I’ve lost the talent and ability to do it anymore and I don’t know where to begin on how to fix that. Every day I wonder if I screwed myself up when I quit the worship team at church, because work was becoming too much.

I traveled more than years before.  We went to Cali for a couple of weeks and then to DC for a weekend. I hope 2014 holds more traveling opportunities for me.

I cussed a LOT more than usual.  The F word becoming a daily staple in my life.

I lost weight and gained it all back, successfully.

I spent WAY more money then I should have.

I’ve tried new styles in clothing.  I’m trying to stop dressing myself like a lesbian lady over 40.

I’ve realized how incredibly selfish and unforgiving I can be.

All in all, 2013 is a year that I’m willing to forget.  But, I’m not going to hold my breath for 2014.  I’m too old to keep hope alive for something that has disappointed me time and time again.

BUT…for you, my faithful readers (real and BOTS), I wish you all the best in 2014.  That all you hope for and aim to be, comes to pass this new year!

Pinned and Deleted.

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So remember when I told you I had those pins about my Dream Wedding?

I took a bold step and deleted it just now.

I did keep my dream home, because come on now, it’s a house.

But my wedding?  Gone.

I don’t know what came over me.  Well, actually, I do know what came over me.  I realized that I have forgotten what my real dream is.

You know, when I was younger, and naive, I had such big dreams and aspirations.  When I would tell people about it, they’d just look at me with that head-tilt and a look of, “Oh, you poor girl.  What’s wrong with you?”.    Singing was everything to me.  I wanted to sing and lead worship — and not just in a church every Sunday.  I wanted to travel and lead worship in different places for different people.   When I got the chance to do it in Mexico, not knowing much Spanish (and only 4 Spanish songs), it was the most incredible experience.  I wanted that all the time.

But as I got older, especially closer to 30, and the opportunities to sing publicly have diminished greatly, and people my age that I’ve grown up (and younger) started to get married and have children, I started to get worried.  Like I was missing something.  I got so distracted by that, that I forgot my own dreams.  I realized today that when I keep harping about “wanting more”, I wasn’t talking about those dreams of singing and leading worship.  It was dreams of getting married, having a family, and living a Norman Rockwell-esque life.  Because clearly, singing wasn’t happening so I had to focus on the next thing.

But the truth is, that’s not my real dream or passion.  Of course that’s what I would love to happen eventually.  There’s no such thing as not having BOTH of those things.  But the question I have to ask myself is which do I want MORE?   What is that I want most of all? What is it that burns in my bones?

And it’s been singing.  Music.  Leading worship.  Writing songs.  Things that I used to loved to do, that I’ve forgotten how to do.  I get mad that people have forgotten me, because they don’t ask me to sing anymore.   But the thing is, I should be mad at myself.  Because I have forgotten how to sing and lead worship.  I’ve settled for singing in the shower because I convinced myself that’s all I would ever do.

So I need to recalibrate.  Refocus.  If singing and leading worship is my first priority, then I need to figure out how to get back on that.  How do I take my talent and put it to good use — outside of my shower.

And don’t get me wrong.  I’ll still dream and hope for love, marriage, family, and that dream home.   But, now I have to just remind myself that all that will come if it’s in God’s plan for me.  Until then, I need to focus on what I really want.

Gobble, Gobble.

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I guess I should do my obligatory “What I’m Thankful For” post since everyone on Facebook has inundated my feed with “Day 1-28” reasons they’re thankful (which I find SO annoying and stupid).

I’m not a Thanksgiving fan.  I eat the same plate every year.  The ONLY reason I love Thanksgiving is because it’s a time when families can get together and have lots of fun and eat.  When I was younger, I loved when my family would get together. But the older I’ve got, the more selfish they became and our Thanksgiving meals haven’t been as memorable.  When they’re good, they’re good. When they’re not, they’re really not.

I have such an idyllic dream of what I want my Thanksgiving to be when I get Norman-Rockwell-Thanksgiving-thanksgiving-2927689-375-479married.  I hope that he comes from a big, loud family that gets together and spends the day together.  I know, not every family has the perfect Thanksgiving. But it makes me sad that I’m spending my actual day at home, with my sister, having a chicken with sides instead of with a big family watching the parade or the football game or hearing the pitter patter of kids feet running around.  I swear my kids will never fell the way I do on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

So, I am going to do the non-traditional thankful list this year.

I am thankful…..

1) That I have asthma. It reminds me that every breath I’m given is given by God.

2) I am overweight.  It shows that I have never been in need or have gone a day that I haven’t had a meal to eat.

3) My hair is thinning.  Reminds me that beauty is vain.

4) I only have 160 friends on Facebook versus the 400+ I started with.  It’s about the quality not the quantity.

5) I am unhappy at my church.  Because it shows that I want something much more than what I’m getting.

6) That I am frustrated with my career.  Again, because it reminds me that I am a dreamer — and I want so much more than just this.

7) For my Honda Civic, that takes a few minutes to start, and is missing a hubcap.  I have a car to get me from Point A to Point B.

8) That the heater gets too hot in my house, even at 70, because at least I am warm at night.

9) That I get irritated with people.  I don’t take anyone’s bullsh*t.

10) That I watch too much tv.  I need to remember to relax and unwind when I’m spending all my time working.

11) That I have habits and hang-ups that make me feel shame and guilt.  Reminds me that I am imperfect and forces me to fully depend on God for grace and mercy.  And His forgiveness — daily.

Happy Thanksgiving, readers. I wish for you what I wish for myself — a day filled with family, loved ones, food, games, loud laughter, and memories to keep forever.

Pin in Moderation.

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I am addicted to Pinterest.  Typically, when I’m working, I don’t spend anytime pinterest_badge_redpinning anything on Pinterest.  I find that if I am pinning a lot, it’s usually when I am not working (summer, long breaks).  And I binge pin.  I will spend hours, quite literally, pinning away my hopes and dreams.  Even into the wee hours of the night, I am laying in bed, pinning, pinning, pinning.

This week-long break for Thanksgiving has been no different.  I try to use the excuse in the summer that I am pinning things for school (which I am).  But after school has started, I start pinning things that I might need therapy for.

For example, currently I have 431 pins for “My Dream Wedding”.   Yes, that’s right.  I am single and have no potential mate in my life right now, but I have 431 pins detailing every part of my wedding — down to the poses of pictures I would want to take.

I also have 286 pins for what I want my dream home to look like.   I’d have to find someone on “SeekingMillionaire.com” to actually make any of those pins come to fruition, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

The problem with Pinterest is that, when I use it for school, I can make those things happen.  I can make the crafts, do the lessons, etc.  But when I start pinning things about my wedding day or my dream home, I start to get really, really depressed.  Because for those countless hours I spend pinning my life away, I start realizing how much my life lacks.  I’m looking at all the things I WISH I had, instead of being grateful for what I already have!

I could delete Pinterest and be done with it all.  But, I really find it useful for school. I could delete my 431 pins for my dream wedding, but I like that I still have this part of me that dreams of my wedding day.  I’ve been so jaded by love and marriage, that it makes me feel good that there’s still an innocent, hopeless romantic in me that wants to fall in love. I think what I, and all pinners, need to remember is that Pinterest shouldn’t make you feel worse about yourself.  I have everything I am supposed to have right now and for that I am grateful.

The Blanket.

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UntitledI have this wonderful, snuggly blanket.  I have had this blanket since I was in high school, about 16 years now. I love this blanket. I loved it so much that I took it with me even when I moved away for college.  It stayed with me for the two years I lived away and when I came back home.  I also brought it with me when I moved into my home just 4 years ago.   I thought it’d be with me until the day I was 98 years old. It would be the blanket that I would be covered under when I fell asleep and passed away (morbid, I know, but I’m trying to explain how much I loved this blanket).

However, in the last few months, weirdly, my blanket started to shed into pieces. UntitledAt first I thought it was just losing some little pieces, no big deal. But then I started to notice that pieces of it were crumbling all over my bedroom.   Then my sister started to find pieces of it around the house.   She kept pushing me to throw it away but I refused.  I was adamant that it was fine and I was going to keep it.

Today, I looked at my carpet and what used to be a tan/light brown carpet, was now covered in pieces of maroon.  I was cleaning my bathroom and as I swept the floor, I was sweeping up pieces of maroon (in my bathroom!!).  I looked down in my slippers and I had pieces of it in there, too.  It was heartbreaking.

So I decided that I would fold it up and throw it away.  All I could muster up the strength to do was fold it and put it away. I just don’t have the heart to throw it away yet.

I know, I know, I’m 30 and it’s just a blanket.  Why am I so attached to this thing? The truth of it is, is that it’s just symbolic of my life since turning 30.  I am having to, willingly and unwillingly, let go of things that I thought I’d be carrying with me forever.  I always thought this blanket was going to stay with me.  Just like I always thought certain people would stay with me, or certain beliefs.

But, I feel like I’ve been overwhelmed with this reminder in the last 6 months:  that turning 30 is teaching me is that I have to let go. Whether I’m ready or not. I’ll always love this blanket, and it’ll always hold a special place in my memories and heart.

Boyz II Men were right, it’s so hard to say goodbye.

Refocus.

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I am off from school for 9 whole days. I am embracing these 9 days with open arms and praying that it will drag on forever.  I look forward to sleeping in and letting my brain take a rest from going 100 mph every day.

I last left you a month ago (that’s how busy life has been).  Last weekend, I was a bridesmaid in my first wedding. (Hopefully my last time, too, I’m not cut out for bridesmaid duties).   I didn’t enjoy a bit of it.  The makeup, the hair, the dressing up, standing in front of people, walking in front of people in a formal attire….none of it.  Most of the time, when I attend weddings, my sister gets stuck as a bridesmaid and I am asked to be the singer.  I used to hate that I would get overlooked as a bridesmaid.  But now I realize why I had it so much better as a singer.  Sing a song for 3-4 minutes and then your job is done.   You don’t have to take pictures, you don’t have to do anything.   I can handle that.  I’m happy for the bride and groom, but selfishly, I am happier for myself that it’s over and I don’t have to stress about it ever again.

Like any wedding I attend, I took extensive mental notes about what I wanted/did not want for my own “big day”, if that ever happens.   At this point, the number of attendees is starting to get smaller and smaller that I may have to just settle for a court marriage.  But such is the life of a loner like me. 😉

I ran into my childhood/college best friend and her new husband there.  Okay, no I didn’t run into her.  I saw her there and she was clearly avoiding me like the plague. I was unable to attend their wedding two months ago, although I had RSVP’d as a confirmation. I had emailed her about it and never heard back.  I assumed she was pissed off.  Her avoiding me basically confirmed that.  It’s okay.  I’m not sad about it or even worried about it.   If that’s the way the friendship ends, that’s how it ends.  I can’t beat myself up for that.  And to be quite honest with you, I don’t regret missing her wedding.  I thought I would, but I don’t.  I am a firm believer that there’s a purpose for everything that happens.  She was my best friend for a time in my life but I’m not the same person I was then and we have grown apart. No matter how many futile attempts were made to maintain that same close friendship, it didn’t work, and we both have to accept that…..really, I have to accept that.  So I have and I am moving forward.

The truth is, there are good things happening in my life, but I am so busy looking at all the bad things that I can’t see them or focus on them.  I have to change what I’m staring at.  I want to beat myself that I am not married or that I am not leading worship like I’ve always dreamed.  But, I have to accept that my life is on some kind of trajectory.  I have to also hope that God is steering me on whatever path I am on and trust that He’ll lead me to my destiny — whatever that may be — in His perfect time.

Does that sound believable?

Saturdays with a 30 year old.

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I wish I could say 14 days later that I’ve solved my “bossman Bing” blues by going out and having tons of fun with other 30-year olds.

But that’s not the case.

Although, in my defense, last weekend was our Fall Break and I spent it in DC with some family friends.  We had a great time, despite the government shutdown (which meant no monuments for us) and being rained on for 4 straight days.  Of course as SOON as we left, the rain stopped and the government re-opened.

Story of my life.

And then I looked at how I spent my day today and I just hate my life even more.

I’ve literally spent ALL day doing laundry and lesson plans.  The only breaks I’ve taken is to eat meals and to take a brief, 30-minute nap while waiting for said laundry.  And I’m reading everyone’s statuses and most of them are  out at football games or parks and making all these memories with their families/friends.   But I’m the a-hole sitting at home WORKING.  And I’m working at the same effing job they are!  Why am I killing myself here?

I’ll officially be 30 for 6 months tomorrow, and I’m halfway through this age and I’ve done nothing of any worth.  My life is my job. My job is my life.  And this blog is becoming the unhappiest place on earth, because all I do is complain.  So I’m totally becoming THAT girl.   The one that you unfollow on FB because her posts are so depressing.

You know, I never considered myself a city girl.  When someone asks me if I could see myself moving to a city, I always say no, because I like the quiet of suburbia.   But one thing I felt after being in DC was invigorated.  I was excited to walk around and take the metro.  I loved the idea of having something to do every weekend, and it being FREE.  I was already thinking of how I would plan out which monument/museum I would go to  or how I could walk to some quaint little coffee shop or restaurant to do work and maybe on the weekends take a drive to Virginia if I wanted.

So DC is in my list of places I could potentially go.   I have to work out the living arrangements.  And the work arrangements.

I wonder if VP Biden is hiring?  I would be an awesome secretary.

#bossmanBing

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I am not going to lie to you.  I like being in charge.   It’s not because I want the limelight or the glory.  It’s really because of my control issues.   I know it’ll work out the way I want if I’m in control.   It’s not because I want to manage other people or control the way they do things — it’s just that I need them to do it the way that’ll work for my OCD tendencies.  Do you know what I mean?   I don’t like being bossy (and I hope I’m not).  I like that people come to me for help, because it makes me feel needed and validates this need in me to know that I what I can say/do is of some value.   I like all that.

But what I hate is feeling like a wet blanket.   Like Chandler feels in this clip of Friends.  I don’t like being seen as “Boss man Bing” — being seen as “uncool” or “unlikable” because I’m the leader.   That’s how I feel right now.   Sure, people like me.   They laugh at my jokes once in a while, but I’m not sure people see me as much more than just “team leader” who makes all the decisions, makes all the schedules, organizes everything, and tells everyone what to do.

I didn’t realize that being a team leader meant I’d end up being that person. You know, the one you don’t invite to go out to eat with the rest of your coworkers because you want to talk about them.   Or invite them to fun outings, because they’ll be the Debbie Downer of the group.   The worst part is that I’m NOT Debbie Downer!!  I’m a ball of fun!  I’m hilarious and I love to let my hair down.  I sing really obnoxiously loud and imitate people inappropriately.  I’m not serious 24-7.  Guys, my 1st language is sarcasm!  I’m freakin fun!

…….It’s just that no one wants to give me a chance to see that side of me.

Nowadays, if my phone is being blown up by texts it’s about work and helping them with something or answering questions.   And deep down inside I want it to be texts from people who want to just hang out with me.  “S, are you busy tonight?  Let’s go watch a movie!” not “Hey, what Math lesson are you teaching this week?”  or “How do I login to our website?”

The truth is, it’s not that I want THESE people to be texting me.  I’m okay with keeping my coworkers, just that.  I don’t see myself being friends longterm with any of them.  They’re all younger than me, married  with/without children, or engaged.   I can’t relate to them and they can’t relate to me.

So what’s my point for all this whining?

Ugh.  I am just lonely.  I want some friends my age.   And unfortunately, my career doesn’t allow me any time to go out and meet people.  The one day off I have is spent grading/lesson planning/or laying in bed trying to recuperate from the week I’ve had. There’s no desire in me to go out and about.

I’m in a huge rut socially and I don’t know how to fix it. Any suggestions?