Refocus.

I am off from school for 9 whole days. I am embracing these 9 days with open arms and praying that it will drag on forever.  I look forward to sleeping in and letting my brain take a rest from going 100 mph every day.

I last left you a month ago (that’s how busy life has been).  Last weekend, I was a bridesmaid in my first wedding. (Hopefully my last time, too, I’m not cut out for bridesmaid duties).   I didn’t enjoy a bit of it.  The makeup, the hair, the dressing up, standing in front of people, walking in front of people in a formal attire….none of it.  Most of the time, when I attend weddings, my sister gets stuck as a bridesmaid and I am asked to be the singer.  I used to hate that I would get overlooked as a bridesmaid.  But now I realize why I had it so much better as a singer.  Sing a song for 3-4 minutes and then your job is done.   You don’t have to take pictures, you don’t have to do anything.   I can handle that.  I’m happy for the bride and groom, but selfishly, I am happier for myself that it’s over and I don’t have to stress about it ever again.

Like any wedding I attend, I took extensive mental notes about what I wanted/did not want for my own “big day”, if that ever happens.   At this point, the number of attendees is starting to get smaller and smaller that I may have to just settle for a court marriage.  But such is the life of a loner like me. 😉

I ran into my childhood/college best friend and her new husband there.  Okay, no I didn’t run into her.  I saw her there and she was clearly avoiding me like the plague. I was unable to attend their wedding two months ago, although I had RSVP’d as a confirmation. I had emailed her about it and never heard back.  I assumed she was pissed off.  Her avoiding me basically confirmed that.  It’s okay.  I’m not sad about it or even worried about it.   If that’s the way the friendship ends, that’s how it ends.  I can’t beat myself up for that.  And to be quite honest with you, I don’t regret missing her wedding.  I thought I would, but I don’t.  I am a firm believer that there’s a purpose for everything that happens.  She was my best friend for a time in my life but I’m not the same person I was then and we have grown apart. No matter how many futile attempts were made to maintain that same close friendship, it didn’t work, and we both have to accept that…..really, I have to accept that.  So I have and I am moving forward.

The truth is, there are good things happening in my life, but I am so busy looking at all the bad things that I can’t see them or focus on them.  I have to change what I’m staring at.  I want to beat myself that I am not married or that I am not leading worship like I’ve always dreamed.  But, I have to accept that my life is on some kind of trajectory.  I have to also hope that God is steering me on whatever path I am on and trust that He’ll lead me to my destiny — whatever that may be — in His perfect time.

Does that sound believable?

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