Pinned and Deleted.

0

So remember when I told you I had those pins about my Dream Wedding?

I took a bold step and deleted it just now.

I did keep my dream home, because come on now, it’s a house.

But my wedding?  Gone.

I don’t know what came over me.  Well, actually, I do know what came over me.  I realized that I have forgotten what my real dream is.

You know, when I was younger, and naive, I had such big dreams and aspirations.  When I would tell people about it, they’d just look at me with that head-tilt and a look of, “Oh, you poor girl.  What’s wrong with you?”.    Singing was everything to me.  I wanted to sing and lead worship — and not just in a church every Sunday.  I wanted to travel and lead worship in different places for different people.   When I got the chance to do it in Mexico, not knowing much Spanish (and only 4 Spanish songs), it was the most incredible experience.  I wanted that all the time.

But as I got older, especially closer to 30, and the opportunities to sing publicly have diminished greatly, and people my age that I’ve grown up (and younger) started to get married and have children, I started to get worried.  Like I was missing something.  I got so distracted by that, that I forgot my own dreams.  I realized today that when I keep harping about “wanting more”, I wasn’t talking about those dreams of singing and leading worship.  It was dreams of getting married, having a family, and living a Norman Rockwell-esque life.  Because clearly, singing wasn’t happening so I had to focus on the next thing.

But the truth is, that’s not my real dream or passion.  Of course that’s what I would love to happen eventually.  There’s no such thing as not having BOTH of those things.  But the question I have to ask myself is which do I want MORE?   What is that I want most of all? What is it that burns in my bones?

And it’s been singing.  Music.  Leading worship.  Writing songs.  Things that I used to loved to do, that I’ve forgotten how to do.  I get mad that people have forgotten me, because they don’t ask me to sing anymore.   But the thing is, I should be mad at myself.  Because I have forgotten how to sing and lead worship.  I’ve settled for singing in the shower because I convinced myself that’s all I would ever do.

So I need to recalibrate.  Refocus.  If singing and leading worship is my first priority, then I need to figure out how to get back on that.  How do I take my talent and put it to good use — outside of my shower.

And don’t get me wrong.  I’ll still dream and hope for love, marriage, family, and that dream home.   But, now I have to just remind myself that all that will come if it’s in God’s plan for me.  Until then, I need to focus on what I really want.

Gobble, Gobble.

0

I guess I should do my obligatory “What I’m Thankful For” post since everyone on Facebook has inundated my feed with “Day 1-28” reasons they’re thankful (which I find SO annoying and stupid).

I’m not a Thanksgiving fan.  I eat the same plate every year.  The ONLY reason I love Thanksgiving is because it’s a time when families can get together and have lots of fun and eat.  When I was younger, I loved when my family would get together. But the older I’ve got, the more selfish they became and our Thanksgiving meals haven’t been as memorable.  When they’re good, they’re good. When they’re not, they’re really not.

I have such an idyllic dream of what I want my Thanksgiving to be when I get Norman-Rockwell-Thanksgiving-thanksgiving-2927689-375-479married.  I hope that he comes from a big, loud family that gets together and spends the day together.  I know, not every family has the perfect Thanksgiving. But it makes me sad that I’m spending my actual day at home, with my sister, having a chicken with sides instead of with a big family watching the parade or the football game or hearing the pitter patter of kids feet running around.  I swear my kids will never fell the way I do on Thanksgiving or Christmas.

So, I am going to do the non-traditional thankful list this year.

I am thankful…..

1) That I have asthma. It reminds me that every breath I’m given is given by God.

2) I am overweight.  It shows that I have never been in need or have gone a day that I haven’t had a meal to eat.

3) My hair is thinning.  Reminds me that beauty is vain.

4) I only have 160 friends on Facebook versus the 400+ I started with.  It’s about the quality not the quantity.

5) I am unhappy at my church.  Because it shows that I want something much more than what I’m getting.

6) That I am frustrated with my career.  Again, because it reminds me that I am a dreamer — and I want so much more than just this.

7) For my Honda Civic, that takes a few minutes to start, and is missing a hubcap.  I have a car to get me from Point A to Point B.

8) That the heater gets too hot in my house, even at 70, because at least I am warm at night.

9) That I get irritated with people.  I don’t take anyone’s bullsh*t.

10) That I watch too much tv.  I need to remember to relax and unwind when I’m spending all my time working.

11) That I have habits and hang-ups that make me feel shame and guilt.  Reminds me that I am imperfect and forces me to fully depend on God for grace and mercy.  And His forgiveness — daily.

Happy Thanksgiving, readers. I wish for you what I wish for myself — a day filled with family, loved ones, food, games, loud laughter, and memories to keep forever.

Pin in Moderation.

0

I am addicted to Pinterest.  Typically, when I’m working, I don’t spend anytime pinterest_badge_redpinning anything on Pinterest.  I find that if I am pinning a lot, it’s usually when I am not working (summer, long breaks).  And I binge pin.  I will spend hours, quite literally, pinning away my hopes and dreams.  Even into the wee hours of the night, I am laying in bed, pinning, pinning, pinning.

This week-long break for Thanksgiving has been no different.  I try to use the excuse in the summer that I am pinning things for school (which I am).  But after school has started, I start pinning things that I might need therapy for.

For example, currently I have 431 pins for “My Dream Wedding”.   Yes, that’s right.  I am single and have no potential mate in my life right now, but I have 431 pins detailing every part of my wedding — down to the poses of pictures I would want to take.

I also have 286 pins for what I want my dream home to look like.   I’d have to find someone on “SeekingMillionaire.com” to actually make any of those pins come to fruition, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

The problem with Pinterest is that, when I use it for school, I can make those things happen.  I can make the crafts, do the lessons, etc.  But when I start pinning things about my wedding day or my dream home, I start to get really, really depressed.  Because for those countless hours I spend pinning my life away, I start realizing how much my life lacks.  I’m looking at all the things I WISH I had, instead of being grateful for what I already have!

I could delete Pinterest and be done with it all.  But, I really find it useful for school. I could delete my 431 pins for my dream wedding, but I like that I still have this part of me that dreams of my wedding day.  I’ve been so jaded by love and marriage, that it makes me feel good that there’s still an innocent, hopeless romantic in me that wants to fall in love. I think what I, and all pinners, need to remember is that Pinterest shouldn’t make you feel worse about yourself.  I have everything I am supposed to have right now and for that I am grateful.

The Blanket.

0

UntitledI have this wonderful, snuggly blanket.  I have had this blanket since I was in high school, about 16 years now. I love this blanket. I loved it so much that I took it with me even when I moved away for college.  It stayed with me for the two years I lived away and when I came back home.  I also brought it with me when I moved into my home just 4 years ago.   I thought it’d be with me until the day I was 98 years old. It would be the blanket that I would be covered under when I fell asleep and passed away (morbid, I know, but I’m trying to explain how much I loved this blanket).

However, in the last few months, weirdly, my blanket started to shed into pieces. UntitledAt first I thought it was just losing some little pieces, no big deal. But then I started to notice that pieces of it were crumbling all over my bedroom.   Then my sister started to find pieces of it around the house.   She kept pushing me to throw it away but I refused.  I was adamant that it was fine and I was going to keep it.

Today, I looked at my carpet and what used to be a tan/light brown carpet, was now covered in pieces of maroon.  I was cleaning my bathroom and as I swept the floor, I was sweeping up pieces of maroon (in my bathroom!!).  I looked down in my slippers and I had pieces of it in there, too.  It was heartbreaking.

So I decided that I would fold it up and throw it away.  All I could muster up the strength to do was fold it and put it away. I just don’t have the heart to throw it away yet.

I know, I know, I’m 30 and it’s just a blanket.  Why am I so attached to this thing? The truth of it is, is that it’s just symbolic of my life since turning 30.  I am having to, willingly and unwillingly, let go of things that I thought I’d be carrying with me forever.  I always thought this blanket was going to stay with me.  Just like I always thought certain people would stay with me, or certain beliefs.

But, I feel like I’ve been overwhelmed with this reminder in the last 6 months:  that turning 30 is teaching me is that I have to let go. Whether I’m ready or not. I’ll always love this blanket, and it’ll always hold a special place in my memories and heart.

Boyz II Men were right, it’s so hard to say goodbye.

Refocus.

0

I am off from school for 9 whole days. I am embracing these 9 days with open arms and praying that it will drag on forever.  I look forward to sleeping in and letting my brain take a rest from going 100 mph every day.

I last left you a month ago (that’s how busy life has been).  Last weekend, I was a bridesmaid in my first wedding. (Hopefully my last time, too, I’m not cut out for bridesmaid duties).   I didn’t enjoy a bit of it.  The makeup, the hair, the dressing up, standing in front of people, walking in front of people in a formal attire….none of it.  Most of the time, when I attend weddings, my sister gets stuck as a bridesmaid and I am asked to be the singer.  I used to hate that I would get overlooked as a bridesmaid.  But now I realize why I had it so much better as a singer.  Sing a song for 3-4 minutes and then your job is done.   You don’t have to take pictures, you don’t have to do anything.   I can handle that.  I’m happy for the bride and groom, but selfishly, I am happier for myself that it’s over and I don’t have to stress about it ever again.

Like any wedding I attend, I took extensive mental notes about what I wanted/did not want for my own “big day”, if that ever happens.   At this point, the number of attendees is starting to get smaller and smaller that I may have to just settle for a court marriage.  But such is the life of a loner like me. 😉

I ran into my childhood/college best friend and her new husband there.  Okay, no I didn’t run into her.  I saw her there and she was clearly avoiding me like the plague. I was unable to attend their wedding two months ago, although I had RSVP’d as a confirmation. I had emailed her about it and never heard back.  I assumed she was pissed off.  Her avoiding me basically confirmed that.  It’s okay.  I’m not sad about it or even worried about it.   If that’s the way the friendship ends, that’s how it ends.  I can’t beat myself up for that.  And to be quite honest with you, I don’t regret missing her wedding.  I thought I would, but I don’t.  I am a firm believer that there’s a purpose for everything that happens.  She was my best friend for a time in my life but I’m not the same person I was then and we have grown apart. No matter how many futile attempts were made to maintain that same close friendship, it didn’t work, and we both have to accept that…..really, I have to accept that.  So I have and I am moving forward.

The truth is, there are good things happening in my life, but I am so busy looking at all the bad things that I can’t see them or focus on them.  I have to change what I’m staring at.  I want to beat myself that I am not married or that I am not leading worship like I’ve always dreamed.  But, I have to accept that my life is on some kind of trajectory.  I have to also hope that God is steering me on whatever path I am on and trust that He’ll lead me to my destiny — whatever that may be — in His perfect time.

Does that sound believable?