I am not going to lie to you. I like being in charge. It’s not because I want the limelight or the glory. It’s really because of my control issues. I know it’ll work out the way I want if I’m in control. It’s not because I want to manage other people or control the way they do things — it’s just that I need them to do it the way that’ll work for my OCD tendencies. Do you know what I mean? I don’t like being bossy (and I hope I’m not). I like that people come to me for help, because it makes me feel needed and validates this need in me to know that I what I can say/do is of some value. I like all that.
But what I hate is feeling like a wet blanket. Like Chandler feels in this clip of Friends. I don’t like being seen as “Boss man Bing” — being seen as “uncool” or “unlikable” because I’m the leader. That’s how I feel right now. Sure, people like me. They laugh at my jokes once in a while, but I’m not sure people see me as much more than just “team leader” who makes all the decisions, makes all the schedules, organizes everything, and tells everyone what to do.
I didn’t realize that being a team leader meant I’d end up being that person. You know, the one you don’t invite to go out to eat with the rest of your coworkers because you want to talk about them. Or invite them to fun outings, because they’ll be the Debbie Downer of the group. The worst part is that I’m NOT Debbie Downer!! I’m a ball of fun! I’m hilarious and I love to let my hair down. I sing really obnoxiously loud and imitate people inappropriately. I’m not serious 24-7. Guys, my 1st language is sarcasm! I’m freakin fun!
…….It’s just that no one wants to give me a chance to see that side of me.
Nowadays, if my phone is being blown up by texts it’s about work and helping them with something or answering questions. And deep down inside I want it to be texts from people who want to just hang out with me. “S, are you busy tonight? Let’s go watch a movie!” not “Hey, what Math lesson are you teaching this week?” or “How do I login to our website?”
The truth is, it’s not that I want THESE people to be texting me. I’m okay with keeping my coworkers, just that. I don’t see myself being friends longterm with any of them. They’re all younger than me, married with/without children, or engaged. I can’t relate to them and they can’t relate to me.
So what’s my point for all this whining?
Ugh. I am just lonely. I want some friends my age. And unfortunately, my career doesn’t allow me any time to go out and meet people. The one day off I have is spent grading/lesson planning/or laying in bed trying to recuperate from the week I’ve had. There’s no desire in me to go out and about.
I’m in a huge rut socially and I don’t know how to fix it. Any suggestions?