Unapologetic.

Apparently, I am supposed to be feeling “guilty” because I didn’t attend a family member’s engagement ceremony this morning.   Keep in mind, said family member hasn’t spoken to me in 3 years, let alone had a relationship of any kind for years  before that.   We grew up together, I took care of her and her sisters when they were younger, and I invested a whole lot into them because I wanted to have some semblance of a family.   But as we got older,  they didn’t want much to do with my sister and I, so we let them go.   So, why on earth would I attend her engagement if I haven’t spoken to her in 3 years?   To keep up the facade of what a close-knit family we are?   To fulfill some sort of BS obligation?  Forget you.

I’ve spent 30 years fulfilling obligations and being somebody I’m not so everybody else would like me or out of fear that they’d leave me because I wasn’t good enough.  I’ve come to learn, that no matter what I do — right or wrong — they’re going to leave.   What’s the point of holding on, then?

Look, I’m not trying to paint this picture of me as being a victim.  I am not a victim.  I am far from perfect when it comes to relationships and friendships.  I will freely and willingly admit to my shortcomings — I don’t lack in the shortcomings department at all.   But, what I will say, in my defense, is that no matter what relationship it is, I give myself 150%.  I try to go above and beyond because I want to do everything I can to keep them in my life.   No one has ever tried to earn my love or earn my friendship.  I’ve always been the one doing the giving and hoping I can earn THEIR love and THEIR respect.

For once in my life, I’m going to sit here  and you’re going to have to come HERE.   You’re going to have proved YOURSELF.   You’re going to have call.  You’re going to have to text.  You’re going to have to set it up.

I’ve been called selfish.  I’ve been called a b–ch.  I’ve been called overemotional.  I’ve been called lots of things.  And today, I will happily accept ALL those names — if it means I’m looking out for myself and surrounding myself with the things/people who I want to.   If it means I’m selfish that I don’t want to attend functions for people who I have no relationship with — then I’m selfish.   If I’m a b—h because I don’t beg you to talk to me or hang out with me, then I’m a b—h.   I don’t want relationships in my life that require me to give more than you give me.

I will not apologize for being selfish anymore.

I will not apologize for wanting what’s best for myself anymore.

I will not apologize for loving ME more than I love you.

Because for 30 effing years I sat and allowed you people to make me feel less than and not good enough or worthy enough.  I am obese and unhappy because I allowed people like you to be the criteria by which I lived.

No more.

This selfish b—h became even MORE of a selfish b—h.  And I won’t apologize to anyone for it.

Deal with it.

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