As of late, I have taken up a bad habit of mine that I thought I had under control for a long time. But it’s crept back into my life and now I feel powerless to stop it. It’s like a part of me. Second nature. I do it without a care in the world. I love it, but I hate it. It’s freeing, yet a burden.
What is it you may ask?
I have been swearing like a drunken sailor and I can’t stop myself. My favorite word to drop is one of the worst ones of all — the “f” word and all variations of it. The good Christian, the wannabe praise and worship leading girl in me hates this about myself. Hate is an understatement. But for some reason, I can’t find a better word to adequately describe situations, people, circumstances, etc., without dropping the F bomb. I’m not going to lie and pretend I’ve got it all together. This whole idea that Christians don’t cuss or get angry makes me even more angrier. I know swearing is a bad thing, and quite unnecessary if you’re a good Christian, at that.
But man, when I’m venting, that F word sure does me a lot of good.
I hate to say that it probably brings me as much joy as chocolate and rom coms/hindi movies do when Aunt comes to visit every 4 weeks. (And, by aunt, I am assuming you’re able to piece together who THAT is).
To be honest with you, 3 things have stayed loyal to me in my life — God. My sister. And the F word. None of those have let me down. Forgive me if I choose to not turn my back on it either.
Do I want to stop? Of course I do! I want to be a model citizen, woman, role model, and leader.
But does it make a horrible, terrible person if I say it?
I mean, it’s not like I bust it out in casual conversation. It’s not like I’m at the dinner table with my parents and say, “OMG this is so f—king good!”. I mean, c’mon. I’m not THAT bad. And if you know my mom, then you know that would NEVER happen. She freaks out when I say hell. She’d have a heart attack if she ever heard me say the F word. I only invite the F word when I’m really mad or when I am venting about something that makes me really upset. I would love to hear what all these other perfect Christians say when they’re mad. I can guarantee that none of their words can hold a candle to F.
I’m torn on whether or not I should feel bad about the fact that I’ve taken up cussing again. I’m sure when this blog becomes public and I’m famous and leading worship in places, people will bring this up and try to haunt me with it. But, I’m going to own up to it.
I cuss. I get so mad and frustrated about things that sometimes I have to cuss. Sometimes I say it a lot. And at the end of the day, if my cussing is the WORST that I’ve done all day, considering all the other things I have been accused of doing/being/saying, then it’s the least of my concerns.