The Trapped Rat Conundrum

I have a couch in my living room that I hate.

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I, honestly, don’t know what was it that made us buy THIS couch. Why did we pick it?  I regret it deeply.  Because it is the worst couch EVER.  It’s not comfortable by any means.  Perhaps, this is our fault, because it was fine when it was in the showroom.   But, as you can see, after our fat butts have sat and sat and SAT in it over the last 4 years, it has lost it’s comfort. (I wish I could blame my dog, but she only weighs 4 pounds, so there goes that theory). There is a lot of wear and tear in it.  Now I wonder will anyone ever want this couch?  How the heck are we going to get rid of it?  Are we going to be stuck with this couch forever?

I equate my life, currently, with how this couch looks.

It’s not comfortable anymore. It’s time to put it out of its misery.  (Don’t freak out! Keep reading!).

I have lived in this state and in this town for the last 27 years.  Guys, I’m turning 30.  You do the math.

I am a teacher in the same district that I went to school at from 1st grade to my senior year.

I am teaching with teachers that taught me.

I am teaching students of people who I graduated with in 2001.

I am surrounded by people who I’ve known far too long that I get irritated by the mere thought of.

I attend a church that served its purpose for me when I first came, but I’ve outgrown it — and now I don’t know what to do or where to go.

I haven’t sang and led worship in almost 9 *NINE* years. (The clothes in my closet and my shampoo bottles, however, have attended many impromptu worship services).

And I’m over it.  Put me out of my misery, please.  I mean, is THIS sick cycle what my life will be forever?  This is what I’ve hoped and dreamed for myself?

I’ve sat and sat and sat here that I’m not comfortable anymore.

If you’re a Cosby show fan, you’ll remember a scene with Sondra and Elvin, after they and their twins had moved in with the Huxtables and were getting frustrated with the lack of space and privacy.  After some frustrating moments between the two families, Elvin claimed that he felt like a “Trapped rat”.  To which Cosby responds with: “If you’re a trapped rat…gnaw your foot off and get out!”

God, I wish it were that easy!

I feel like that trapped rat. But the scary part of this is, I feel like the older I get, the slimmer the chances are that I will be able to get out.   I have this paralyzing fear that I have missed the opportunity to go out and TRY things, or move away from here and experience life.  It’s the worry I have if I give up this couch..that no one will want it.  If I try to gnaw my foot off, then what?   I’ve got a mortgage. I’ve got a profession that I can’t just decide to give 2 weeks notice when I’m ready to leave.  Frankly, I’m at that age where my “logical” thinking is my downfall.

I sat at church this morning and I almost fell over thinking that this same time next year, I could be sitting in the same seat, same row, watching the world go by.  I’ll be waking up every day at 5:20, and run through my same predictable routines, drive the same way to work, do my job, stay late, drive back the same way home, sit on the aforementioned couch, do more work….and repeat.

And I just don’t think I can do that.

I cannot go into 2014 doing the same thing anymore.  I just can’t.   God, do you read blogs???  I can’t do it!

Please don’t get me wrong.  I am ETERNALLY grateful for the blessings that I have.  I get to do a job that I wanted to do since I was 6!  I’m a homeowner and rather than get married and bust out children like every other East-Indian girl my age, I get to live my own, independent life.   I count my blessings every day.  My “problems” pale in comparison to what others suffer on the daily.

The problem here is, here is a great opportunity for me to go OUT and do something with my life….and I may have missed the chance. But a part of me still believes that there HAS to be more than this.  There just has to be.

I’ll start gnawing on my foot now.

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